Saturday, December 11, 2010

Midnight musings and other exotic fruits.

It's almost horrifying how good I am at keeping secrets. Interrogate, investigate, poke or pry. Move mountains and oceans, shoot bullets through the sky. Yet I can lie, with not a blink of the eye. However, there is a catch. Aware as I am of its utility, I am finding my capacity for furtiveness to be more than a little disconcerting. Reason being, that I am the one person I know, least equipped to use it. Given to inflated (almost flatulent) concepts of righteousness and honestly, I have no use for this particular talent. Nevermind, I digress. The doubts that I've been tossing around in my head are about something else. What if the secret in consideration is not yours to tell? Does morality follow the law of association? Transitive dependency?

On a related note, I make a great addition to any kind and sort of reunion. Owing to the aforesaid capacity for secrecy, I am made the confidante in more personal/semi-personal equations than one could hope to count. I always have the dirt on everyone's deep, dark secrets. And I get to be the one to spill them when the time is right. Scandals makes an evening, if not life, far more interesting.

In other news, I have begun to attribute the unfortunate state of my social life to reading too much Freud. One can only go so far, classifying people as anally retentive/anally expulsive, and launching into immediate conjecture. The perils of over-educating yourself with things that have nothing to do with your line of misery work.

Also, I was recently discouraged against using any italics in formatting my minor project dissertation. Apparently, it is probable cause  to ascertain that the matter is plagiarized or lifted off an external source. *proceeds to bang head into nearest available wall/desk/mallet.*  Because I enjoy mallets.

The second of my natural talents is also getting me into trouble these days. By virtue of being the most sarcastic person around, I stand the risk of having everything I say be lost in translation. Have lost count of the times I ended up offending people by paying them a genuine, heartfelt compliment. C'est la vie, I suppose.

There is no dearth of things that I hate with the very core of my black, black heart. But there are few things that I hate more than winter. And winter is baring its fangs most viciously these days. Sadly, the second most important examinations of my life are just around the corner, and hibernation is not an option. Neither is active vandalism, it seems. Well, at least something has changed in 3 years. At this point, the only things keeping me sane are hot chocolate, my love of overcoats and badass leather boots, and the faint possibility of a post-exam holiday in a tropical country. Yes, more tropical than India.

If there is one difference that I had to point out in teenaged-me and 21-year-old-me, it would most certainly be that I am no longer angry. Anger is a strange thing. Though it often consumes, it also gives you a certain drive that is irreplaceable. When there's too much of it, it begins to define the person it proliferates in. But when the anger has dissipated, it isn't quite rebirth as much as rediscovery. A lot of things in life take courage, I reckon. It also takes a fair deal to see yourself stripped down to bones, and learn to accept and appreciate what's left. The line between what you will always be and all that you can become, is a thin one. Perhaps that's a good thing, but it is well to know exactly where it lies. The innate capacity to out-reason ourselves into believing anything we want, is and always will be a double-edged sword.


10 comments:

JD said...

It's a sudden realization, isn't it, the fact that the anger's not there anymore? Losing everything in translation just seems like a day's work, and cynicism doesn't need to be noticed anymore.

Please tell me this road doesn't assuredly lead downhill :)

Plus, such comments are only made at unearthly hours.

Priyanka Mehta said...

Flatulent concepts of righteousness and honesty! *guffaws*

Tropical country! *dreamy eyed anticipation*

And I swear by every word of the last paragraph here.The line that you talk about has been elusive for me. Just when I think I have a grip on it, it slips into oblivion.

Anushka said...

You know. I suffer from a moral conflict as it were... an unshakeable respect for protecting people's secrets, and a bloody incapacity to lie when directly questioned.

Antara said...

One of the most surprising ways in which we seem to grow up is to let go of all the anger, and with it the many promises we made to change the world.

As for everything else, we'll forget and maybe miss the lives we currently lead.

Leonardo said...

We cheat ourselves out of it by hiding our real motives from ourselves and taking on those faux-rational ones. And once you're out of your teens and in the thick of things, every single belief and reason of yours is put through the most stringent of tests. It's a heck of an experience.

That apart, I can relate with the dissertation bit. My project guide thought that my report was a cut-paste job, because he thought I was incapable of writing a good report.

Tangled up in blue... said...

There is a lot, here, in this post. As for secrets, I was taught never to trust anyone who keeps them too well or not at all. I belong to the latter category myself, so I've never had to deal with all that you must. A friend of mine once said, with surprising wisdom, "Taking on too many secrets belonging to others leaves very little room for those belonging to you." This post makes me wonder if that is really true.

And Freud sure had fun classifying people. Taking it down to basic principles. Still works, I guess. :D

And really, is it true about italics? Who made that stupid rule anyway? I love italics!

Sometimes, I wish they'd just make a sarcasfont and be done with it. It wud make communicating so much easier for sarcastic folks.

I'm not much of a winter person either, so I shall be going off to Kerala. Fits. Good luck with those exams and have fun on that vacation! :)

Oh, and I'm adding you on facebook! :D It's just too tempting! :)

Sherry Wasandi said...

@JD: Sometimes I think level plane is worse than downhill.

It's the mundanity through indifference that kills. Ever so slowly.

@Priyanka: The very realization of its existence, is a good point to start with.

Sherry Wasandi said...

@Anushka: Like I always say, we forge our gods and demons out of ourselves. :)

@Antara: True, perhaps. But doesn't the growing indifference bother you? I grow more and more jaded every day, and still loathe that fact.

Sherry Wasandi said...

@Leonardo: I'll be thinking about what you wrote here for quite some time. Because if your motives and ends did not stand that test of time, does that really take away from their value?

Sherry Wasandi said...

@TUIB: With whatever experience I have in the matter, I find that statement to be untrue. It only raises the bar of your judgment with respect to what really qualifies as being worthy of the secrecy.

Yep, it's absolutely true. It's not a rule, it's whim. Which is something far too many people of authority in my college base their opinions in. So much for engineers with their scientific temper and what not.

A sarcasfont sounds like the best idea I've heard in a long while. Capitalize on it! Let me know about the results.

Also, I'm glad you did. And ENJOY Kerala! I hear it's beautiful.