So... you don't have any plans for the New Year? 

Don't worry, I've got you covered. 

Step 1: Buy Benadryl. 

Step 2: Watch the new season of Black Mirror. 

Step 3: Read David Foster Wallace. 

Step 4: Curl up in a ball on the floor and stay there till it's 2018. 

Step 5: Take solace in having almost ensured an upward trajectory to the start of the year. 

Boom. At your service, is the one-stop solution to all of life's happiness. 

Teach me how to dent time.

They say that hindsight is 20/20.

Pithy aphorisms don't make it any less infuriating, do they?

It's not easy when your one true misgiving with the world is the linearity of time. For 2018, it is this hearts' earnest desire to have problems slightly more pliable than the laws of Newtonian physics.

That. Just that.