i am writing this because i am suddenly craving for ennui. the kind of unsettling gut-wrench that comes with being completely wasted and having enough time and almost enough void to fill several parallel universes with. and then some. last night was the fifth in a row when i passed out fully dressed and woke up raccoon-eyed courtesy the kohl i've been too tired(disinterested) to wipe off. and then i question the need of slipping out and into something else, with some water in between that can't wash away, what i don't have to wash away, what i don't want to wash away and what i will not wash away. from the mind, the body, and that layer of fluid harmony that binds the two, once in an odd while... but the craving soon transforms into the one you wake up with after a night of having too vivid a dream. and then you see that reality finds itself misplaced in this splendidly skewed order of things. waking up from one dream into the next, halfway between the wistful and the endless, and a unfaltering disbelief in limits of any kind and sort.
pandora's box, or
actuality down the rabbit hole... a spinning whorl of
wants and
haves and
cans and coulds. no ifs, no maybes, no perhaps, and none of the gargantuan words that require too much space and way too
much distance. sand, with no
hourglass to hold it. lanes, with too many twists and not enough bends.
night, and glowing wisps of smoke. and
trains... waited for, and then not caught, with a
heartbeat trapped in a second. or
two.